One of those grumpy, how-I'm-feeling-today posts

"There'll be rain on our wedding day
Rotting roses in my bouquet
There'll be rain on our wedding day
Grey be the sky
Too late to cry"
Slow - The Cardigans

I feel a bit grumpy at the moment, although not in an angry way. It's as if I am suppressing something, so I feel slightly agitated and devoid of whichever emotions I'm supposed to be feeling.

I guess a lot has happened recently:
At university, I had my last lectures of my undergraduate time although I still have a few seminars and lots of work to do next term. I am sad not to have any more lectures because I enjoy them, but I'm not sure how much I will miss them and the opportunity they give to learn some quite important and difficult things relatively easily (more easily than reading, for example).

Also at university, I handed in my bigass final year project. I'm glad to have handed the project in, but I made the mistake of re-reading it after handing it in, and spotting all the ways I could have improved it. Nevertheless I'm not too unhappy with it, but now it is gone I have to look forward to the exams in June and think about time after June too. Revision and job-hunting are two activities I REALLY don't enjoy doing, so the reality of my post-project time has not lived up to expectations.

On top of that, my gran died. She was a lovely old lady. Her husband (my grandfather) died before I was born, and her son (my Dad) in 2000. But she put up with these things amazingly, particularly as she was living alone. She was old-fashioned, intelligent and dignified. Well, she was, but her health had been declining steadily over the past few years, starting with her eyesight going as a result of diabetes and ending in a nursing home she had only recently moved into. She did not show people her feelings much, but that meant that getting a glimpse of them was a special occasion that made you feel special. I don't know how much I will miss her, but I'm sure there will be times when I miss her a lot or would have liked to talk to her or ask her something. It will be odd not to see her at Christmas, or think of her going on holiday to Wales every summer.

Talking about this is probably what I need to do, but as always, finding the right person is difficult. Which is why I end up writing a moody blog post like this.

Some clutter

I hear a song and write the lyrics down as I listen so I can read them all at once. But I end up having scraps of paper all over my room with lines from songs that I like, and they cause clutter. And although my room is always full of clutter, it would be better if it wasn't there. So here are a couple, and I'll throw away my scraps of paper.

"Misery comes and lovers go
I lose myself and sometimes I don't know
She says I've always told you so
But I'll stay with you forever
Angel of Sadness"
Angel of Sadness - A Camp

"I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you're gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong"
So Sorry - Feist

I only wrote down the first one today, the other one I discovered a few months ago, but it's very true to life. Luckily people are usually very forgiving when I 'act all wrong'

Song lyrics

These are some lyrics from moby's song "Where you end":

Thought I fell in love the other day
With an old friend of mine
I was running kisses
Down every inch of her spine

We had the roof down
The sun came shining in
The black fact is...
that I was thinking of you

I love lyrics like this, they are so hopeless and sad. Would you sacrifice an old friendship simply to imagine the love of another person? Of course not. And yet it seems so possible, like it could happen to anyone at any time, and it would be a natural and beautiful thing, no matter how tragic and wrong it was

Good lyrics: Hefner

Hefner's music is not always the best in the world... but it's certainly worth listening to because the lyrics are pretty good. This particular song is not especially important to me right now, so don't read anything into it, but it has struck a chord in the past, so maybe it will for you:

To Hide A Little Thought
I tried to hide a little thought
The more I tried the worse things got
It started out so meek and small
But in a wink pervaded all (I thought the work was week, but I guess wink fits too)

Just a stray little stray, stray, stray
By tryin' to hide if I'd asked it to stay
By tryin' to hide if I'd made it a bed
from which to rule the world unsaid

To hide a little thought
A little vagabond
A sprite in the dark
that wouldn't move along

Many thoughts they come and go
This too shall pass, she'll never know
But since my way is bold and free
She noticed somethin' strange in me

Maybe my voice speeded up or slowed down
Maybe my eyes started dartin' around
Maybe my hands started coverin' my face
Maybe I rambled all over the place

To hide a little thought
A little vagabond
A sprite in the dark
that wouldn't move along

I don't say each thing on my mind
To say each thing would be unkind
But with someone I know so well
it's so unlike me not to tell

Usually I like confrontations, I do
I get this thrill out of sayin' what's true
I look so lifeless when I try to lie
That's why it's easy to tell when I try

To hide a little thought
A little vagabond
A sprite in the dark
That wouldn't move along