My grudge against air

There are two malicious types of air, or possibly more, I'm not sure:

1) WIND: When wind comes, it makes me angry. My problem with it, is that it deliberately tries to annoy people. When the wind stops, the world doesn't end. No. Even in big windy storms there are lulls, as if Mr Wind ran out of breath, and is getting it back, just so he can blow at me again and frustrate me. When you cycle, the wind stops when you stop, but slaps you across the face as soon as you try to go anywhere. I sometimes go outside to work, and it is really calm until the moment I put down my papers, when it picks up and blows them everywhere. It would be fine if the wind just stopped and didn't come back.

N.B. The world would be a worse place with no breezes ever, thought I should just add that

2) FANS: These are sinister and terrible air devices. They exist to subvert our minds and make us all insane. They are like the little moving "Smileys" on msn that never get tired... they are just a low continuous noise, and the longer they goes on, the more freakish it is that they is still going. Without realising it, you are forced to raise your voice slightly. Listen to a fan, and you will hear the malevolent force behind it, which will slowly catch up with you like the tortoise catching the hare, with a horrible inevitability about it. Give it a couple of hours, and you will be tense and grumpy and not know why. Give it a day or so, and even the strongest of us will crack, screaming, curled up on the floor, as the last bits of humanity have been sucked away by this unrelenting machine. Beware, and never spend too long in a room with fans, air conditioning etc etc, unless you have backup. They can't penetrate the minds of many united people, let's hope they never learn to.